Sweet Sixteen and Never Been Kissed??????

Saturday night at the waitress job we had a reservation for 30 people.  We had no idea what kind of a party it was going to be but we had all the tables set and ready.  Then they arrived.  Down the stairs trot what I honestly thought were "working girls" with six older women.  After they sat I went over to their server and asked if there was a hooker convention in town this weekend.  He informed me that it was in fact a Sweet Sixteen party.  My jaw dropped in total amazement.  These were sixteen years olds!!!!!!  And the women (who I am assuming were some of their mothers) let them go our in public that way!!!!!

I honesty tried to google pictures of what these girls looked like.   I couldn't find a match (I probably could have if I went to a porn site but I don't want any nasty computer viruses).  I looked up websites of popular clothing stores, again no luck in finding these clothes.  I came to the conclusion that they must have gotten them at the trashy Brazilian store down the street from me (granted I am not sure about that as I know an absolutely drop dead Brazilian girl with the body to pull it off but even she would never wear what these girls were wearing).  So you all are going to have to use you imaginations on what these girls looked like (Think Julia Roberts outfit in Pretty Woman only 100 times more trashy).

Back in the early nineties we rocked it like this

Maybe I am getting old but I just don't get it.  For starters, who is buying the kids these clothes.  If it is their mothers than they must really have a desire to become a grandparent at an early age.  And even if these kids bought their own clothes did their parents let them leave the house like that?  My parents would have locked me away til I was thirty for even thinking about it.  And who do they think they are attracting wearing things like that?  Super horny men who are looking for a wham bam thank you mam.  Because any decent guy wouldn't be bringing a slut home to   meet his mama.                                                                                         

See, you don't have to be trashy to hang with a Super Bowl Tight End!

 Maybe I am just getting old and this is the norm, but I have a hard time believing that.  My bff has three beautiful daughters age 15 to 20 and when I asked her she said that her girls never dressed like that.  I also work with a bunch of young (not 16, but 18-22ish) girls who are knockouts, heck one even hangs with Gronk, yet they aren't dressed like that.  Sure their clothes might be more revealing that what we wore as kids but they still are respectable.

Maybe I am just thinking back to my own youth, missing the fun I had as a teen.  Maybe I am being too judgmental.  Fuck it, no I am not.  I am now even more horrified of my boys growing up and being enticed by these walking sex pots.  I don't want to be a grandmother at 45.  I don't want my kids ending up with some STD.  I just want them to bring home a nice, sweet girl.  One who is comfortable in her own skin.  One who does not feel like she needs to use her body to succeed.  Screw it, I am locking them in their rooms until thirty (oh no, I have become my parents)!


                                 
                                          
                                                                                 

Sore Losers or Bad Parenting

It is Saturday morning which means I am just back from my oldest son's basketball game.  I love these games.  Finally we have reached an age when they actually keep score in sports.  I have spent years with different sports that are just for teaching, and everybody gets a trophy at the end because everybody participates.  That was well enough but I am happy to finally be at a competitive level as it makes it more exciting for the kids, it also teachers them that you can't win them all.

I must say that I have been impressed with all the kids throughout this season.  Not just the kids on my son's team but on all the teams we have faced.  They play hard, they play fair and they have fun (which is great for 9 and 10 year olds).  My son's team has only lost one game so he is usually happy after the game, and the teams that have been great and understood that sometimes you win sometimes you lose.  That is until today's game.

The game started off ok, we were winning but the other team was holding their own.  The game went well until the end.  It was a jump ball and the kid from the other team BIT the kid from our team.  Yes, bit, with his teeth, left a mark even.  And as if that wasn't enough he then scratched.  Then to top it all of when they were standing up the kid threw a punch!  This is a nine year old we are talking about.  And the whole time this kid's mother is sitting there watching, not saying a word.  After the thrown punch the kid lay down on the ground and threw a tantrum like a 3 year old would.  The mother finally decided to get up, walk out to him and comfort him.  COMFORT!!!  WTF!!!!!  He just bit a kid for goodness sake.  If that was my kid he would not be getting comforted he would be over apologizing for what he had done, heck then when we got home we would be writing a note to again apologize because he would have nothing better to do because he would be grounded!

So I guess my question is when did parents become such pussies?  When was it more important to coddle a child then to make them realize there are consequences for their actions?  I see crap like this every day at both the school and the restaurant I work in.  These kids rule the roost.  Now don't get me wrong, I am not a perfect parent, not even close, but my kids know the difference between right and wrong, and when the fuck up they are called on it.  I just wish more parents would open their eyes to the monsters they are creating. 

You want me to what?

After suffering from a sore back and shoulder for the better part of a week I decided to head to the doctor today.  It is Wednesday which means my regular doctor wasn't there and I had to go to Urgent Care.  I love the UC center at the office.  For some reason nobody ever utilizes it so I get right in.  After getting weighed in (really, is that necessary for a sore back?) and having all my vitals checked I was whisked straight into the exam room.  After explaining how I am totally out of shape yet shoveled the entire driveway by myself the doctor proceeded to poke and prod.  After about 10 minutes of annoying exercises and a chuckle from the doctor because "that is so cool, I can actually see you muscles spasming" he concluded that I had Bursitis in my shoulder and some serious strained muscles in my back and arm.  But it was what he said next that really amused me.  He said I need to get a lot of rest.

Rest, what the hell is that.  I swear I told him I have two kids and two jobs.  Was he not listening?  My regular doctor would never had suggested I rest, as she knew I would probably just hurt the muscle more from the laughing fit that followed.  Ok, I will pencil rest in somewhere between my time in Lunch Lady Land,  my night job waiting tables, the ten loads of laundry that need to be done, the lunches that need to be packed, the dinner that needs to be cooked, the carpets that need to be vacuumed, the homework that needs to be helped with and the other million things I do EVERY DAY!!!  I filled him in on what I thought of this idea of his and asked if I could just get some pills.  Unfortunately he seems to think pills will not help (I can think of a few that would help, but I guess I am not in enough pain for "those" pills).  After a bit of nagging he agreed to some muscle relaxers, but told me I could only take them when I went to bed.  What good is that?  Oh yeah, and I get to take Advil.  If Advil was working I wouldn't have been there in the first place.

Then this nice doctor "suggested" I take a few days off from work give the muscles a break.  I asked him if he would like to "suggest" to my mortgage company that I get a month off from my payment.  He seemed to get a kick out of that one.  But seriously, I am a lunch lady and a waitress, I don't get paid days off.  So tomorrow I will trudge on, make the kiddies lunch and head home (thankfully I don't have to wait tables tomorrow) and rest.  Oh wait, tomorrow is early release day, the kids are out early and they both have play dates.  Well, it's like they say, there will be plenty of time to rest when I am dead and at the rate I am going maybe I should pencil in the rest for then.

What my boys have taught me.

I have been a wife for 12 years and a mother for 9.  It never fails to amaze me just how different the opposite sex is from us ladies.  Most of the time I don't know whether to laugh or cry at the daily antics of these three, but one this is for sure, they always have a way of surprising me (and usually not in a good way).

1) When it gets cold out their testicles just disappear.
     I remember the first cold morning that I had to change my oldest's diaper.  As I was whipping away the barrage of poop that he had deposited I freaked out because their was something missing.  Where the hell did his balls go?  I was in such a panic I called my husband in.  I was just sure that we were going to be rushing the little one to the ER.  I had no idea what I had done wrong and what the hell I was going to say to the doctor.  I was going through it in my head "No Doctor, they were there last night when I put him to bed.  No, I didn't intentionally "break" my son."  I was sure that DSS was going to be called.  Well, after my husband stopped laughing he assured me that it was normal.  They just went back inside to keep warm.  WTF!!!!  retractable body parts, who'd have though?

2)They have NO idea what a laundry basket is.

    I spend way too much time doing laundry.  Unfortunately much of that time is running around collecting all the crap that needs to be washed.  Both my kids love to leave clothes (especially socks) scattered all around the house.  My husband is the worst though.  We have a laundry basket in our bedroom.  It is on his side of the bed.  When he gets undressed at night all he has to do is plop them right in.  Easy, right?  WRONG!!!  Every single morning I am picking clothes off the ground NEXT to the laundry basket.  What the hell is so hard about putting them IN the basket. 

3) Better out than in
   After watching Shrek all of my guys adopted this motto.  Any type of gross bodily function they can come up with is funny to them.  They always try to outdo each other.  There is only so much farting that one mother can take.  At least my husband doesn't do it in public.  The kids on the other hand, think it is the funniest thing ever to let one rip in front of my 97 year old grandmother.  Thankfully she usually can't hear them (she is 97 and her hearing is not what it used to be) but I can see her make a face when she can smell them.  Not cool boys.  My oldest did learn his lesson about breaking wind in school.  Thirds graders like to give kids nicknames.  "Stinkbomb" is not the nickname you want, and his kid brother will never let him live that down.

4)When mommy is in the shower it is the perfect time to bother her.
    Is it so much to ask for 10 minutes of a day to myself?  Obviously to my guys it is.  It never fails that as soon as I get in the shower somebody wants something, is looking for something or has a question about something.  My youngest is always the same.  "Mommy can I have a snack?"  EVERY FUCKING TIME!!!!  Is he really going to starve to death in 10 minutes?  I think not.  Or my husband will come in with wonderful questions such as "Did you DVR that show I asked you to?"  Yes, because that just can't wait.  Or the worst is my oldest son who always feels the need to come and use the toilet while I am showering.  Oh I hate that.  I have two bathrooms, use the other for goodness sake!!!!  Do you have no humility?  Then he flushes, thus giving me a burst of burning hot water. 

5)Aim is obviously an inherited trait.
   My husband has no aim when using the bathroom.  This is a trait he passed onto his sons.  Thanks dear.  I like to think if I had a penis I would have no problem aiming it into the big hole in the seat (or aiming into the right hole in other situations as well, wink wink).  Nope, they hit the rim. the floor, the tank, anywhere except the bowl.  I use more toilet paper cleaning off the seat then for any other reason.  Yet outside they have no problem peeing an exact square around the chicken coop (yes, the hubby taught the kids this because it supposedly keeps away raccoons), or spelling out their names in the snow (ok this they have never done, that I am aware of, but I bet they could do it.)  Is there a place I can sent them that give lessons on aim, if so I am willing to pay ANYTHING!

6) Saluting starts at a very young age
     Who would have thought that a one week old boy could salute you when changing his diaper.  Sure, my husband salutes EVERY morning, but a newborn?  Very very creepy.  I am telling you, I need to get me one of those things to learn all the things they can do, because obviously as a woman I am missing out.


But all kidding aside, above all the biggest thing that my guys have taught me is true, unconditional love.  I am so lucky to have the three of them.  I would do anything for them without a second thought.

LET'S GO PATS!!!!!!

Ok, it took me a while but I am finally in Patriots mode.  I always loved the Pats but after years of working at the stadium my love affair with them faded, a lot.  I don't know if it was the traffic, the parking, the traffic, the drunks, the traffic or maybe it was the traffic, but I was always annoyed whenever game day rolled around.  Thankfully for me most of the games are on Sundays and since that is family day I managed to avoid working most of the worst of it.  I did work two games this year (yeah thanks NFL for scheduling a home game on Christmas Eve, my kids loved that one) but with only one more home game this year (on a Sunday!!!) I know I am in the clear.

However, I still have to deal with Raven's fans tonight coming into town to get crushed.  They started rolling in last night and they were seriously just laughable.  But that is ok because since I am sarcastic by nature I actually get to show that side with the out of towners and make fun of them since they are on our turf, for the biggest game of the season.  I wish I had gotten a picture of the guy with the purple pimp hat on and the velvet Raven's jacket last night.  He actually was a good sport even though he looked ridiculous.  It was his mate that was a bit odd.  That is a Tom Brady Voodoo doll she is hanging there.  Oh I can't wait to see what tonight brings in.









I think what really put me in the spirit last night was the Gronk contest.  Watching a bunch of grown men (and a couple of ladies) doing crazy things to spike the ball like Gronk was priceless.   But hey, tickets to the game for the winner will make people do just about anything, such as stripping down to almost nothing in the freezing cold to try to impress the judges.  Too bad that he was more impressive with the clothes on so he didn't fair to well.  But there are now going to be four happy people sitting at Gillette tomorrow night thanks to their ability to Gronk.

But then again maybe my game spirit came from Pat himself.  How can you not love it when a guy with a giant head is running around your place of employment making everybody laugh and signing autographs (Plus he had a really nice ass).  He brought a couple of the cheerleaders with him and there are many little (and big) boys going to show and tell next week with picture to make their friends jealous.  (Just a note, those aren't cheerleader with him, but they are just as beautiful and every bit as fantastic).










It also could Wes Welker that put me in the spirit.  I was watching the news this morning and saw a story about how he gave a pair of tickets to the game to an Iraq War Veteran.  That makes him a class act in my book, regardless of how he plays (which is usually fantastic).

But I think above all it is the teams dedication of the season to Myra Kraft that put my over the edge.  I met Myra on a couple of occasions and she really was a wonderful woman.  She always had a smile and always remembered my name, even though I was just a waitress.  She did so many things for some many people and the team truly loved her.  I know that they will win it for her tomorrow so how can that not make a person happy. 





So to all my fellow New Englander's out there, LET'S GO PATS!!!!!

Things that I just don't get :Lunch Lady Edition

When my youngest started Kindergarten last year I was looking for a way to make a little more money and not sit around all day (even though sometimes I really wish I could sit around all day).  I ended up becoming a lunch lady.  The money sucks but the hours are perfect, when the kids don't have school I don't work.  Plus I get to listen to the manager at my night job say "Do you kids want your sloppy joes extra sloppy!" (Really the way he says it makes me almost want to go to work everyday, almost).  However, in the last year and a half of working at my kid's school there are some things I just don't get.

1) Since when have kids been ALLOWED to be so damn picky?
     Back when I was in elementary school and you wanted to buy lunch you got one choice.  If you didn't like it tough luck, make sure your mom packs you a PB+J.  Now we have fifty choices that these kids get every day.  There is always the hot lunch, then several alternates such as PB+J (what's your mom is to lazy to make it herself?), bagels, cereal, salad, etc.  But even that isn't good enough for these little gourmets.  No, they come through the hot lunch line and want to "customize" their order.  Nothing like 100 kids shouting different things at you.  "I don't want cheese on my nachos, I want my pasta with butter instead of sauce, I don't want crust on my sandwich".  What the hell, this is not BK where you can "have it your way", this is school lunch.  Back in my day if you asked for anything different then what was served you got smacked by the lunch lady and sent on your way, never to do that again.

2) Total Grossness
     Today this little boy was eating his Frosted Flakes.  He calls me over and says "Look what I did."  So I go over and he poured chocolate milk into his cereal but then added his cheese cubes in too and mixed it all up.  I am gagging just writing about it now.  It looked sooooo gross.  I understand that kids are supposed to be creative, but this was just yuck!  I see things like this every day.  I feel bad for the poor custodian who has to clean up after that stuff.  I would be puking in the bathroom everyday.

3) Overachieving Parents
     Kids today are growing up much faster than when we were young.  Kids are cruel and it starts in Kindergarten.  What doesn't help these kids is the over achieving parents whose goal in life is to have their kids be beat up on the playground.  I do believe that most think they are just making their kids lives "perfect" but all they are doing is putting a big bull's eye on their kids for bullies.  Case in point, Bento Boxes!!!  You would be better off sending your kid into school with a kick me sign on their back.  These things remind me of the girl when I was in school that came in with each thing she has individually wrapped perfectly in foil.  There would be one strawberry, one celery stick, one cookie, all wrapped perfectly.  My friends and I still laugh about that to this day (Sorry SW, we still love you, but it's the truth).  Kids want a lunch box, one with their favorite character on, one that is like the other kids, because in school, being the one that is different makes you the one that is a target.  Ditch the bento buy the Scooby Doo.


I have about a million more, but they will have to wait.  I have to go and make some PB+J's for my own kids so I will not be on the Underachieving Parents list.

YUUUUUUP!!!!!!!!

I am obsessed with shows about Storage Auctions.  Auction Hunters, Storage Hunters, Storage Wars, I watch them all (except for Storage Wars Texas, those hicks are so annoying I can't deal but it's Texas, I shouldn't be surprised).  I have been bugging my husband for months that we should check out one of these auctions in our area.  Tonight I decided to google storage auctions and was shocked at just how many of these things there are out there.  Just in January there are 60 in Massachusetts, and two of them are in my town, this week!!!!

So I showed the hubby the list and told him about Thursday and he just shock his head and said "We are NOT going."  Well that is not the answer I was looking for.  This could be a new career for us, right?  These guys on tv are making big bucks everyday.  Or so they lead us to believe.

I have always wondered why people who don't pay for their storage units leave big money stuff in them.  I mean really, if you are that hard up for money would you really leave priceless treasures sitting around to be auctioned off when you don't pay your bill.  I would think that you would go take anything of value out when you are going to miss a payment.  Wouldn't that make more sense then letting some stranger go and bid $100 for you prized Picasso?

My husband always like to point out that when the winners are going through the units they just start throwing out numbers for what they THINK they can get for each thing.  Most of the time I think these numbers are a bit high.  I am who is really going to pay $200 for a used pair of Air Jordans?  Many of the people on these shows own second hand stores.  I don't know about you but when I go to a second hand store to buy something, I don't expect to pay retail.  So maybe I shouldn't think I can score a jackpot.

Then my husband always like to point out another important thing.  Who the hell am I going to sell the crap to.  I don't own a thrift store, and all the thrift stores that I know only take donations, they don't pay for the crap they sell.  There is Craig's List but after the Craig's List Killer thing I think I will pass.  I guess there is Ebay, maybe I can twist the BFF's arm into working for me too, not just her husband.  If I promise to split the proceeds with her I am sure she would be willing to give up some of the very limited time she has to do it.  We are talking big bucks after all, right?

Well, maybe I will call in sick on Thursday so I can go start the new career.  I will empty out my bank account (that is not hard to do) and bring my cash down to Extra Space Storage and think up a catchy phrase for when I bid (I like the guy on Storage Hunters who just yells "money" whenever he is bidding).  I mean this is Tough Town after all, there should be a quality meth lab in one of those units or maybe some unused food stamps.  So who is in with me, since the hubby won't come a need a partner.  Anyone..anyone..anyone????

Tips for dining out so that your server won't hate you.

Last night at work was one of my all time worst nights.  I know I say that almost every week but I mean it this time.  It made me think that it would be a good idea to give the jackasses out there that have no idea of how to act in a restaurant some hints.

1) Don't act like you own the place.  

    Last night I had a guy come in who was a reject from Jersey Shore.  He thinks he is God's gift but he is really just an ass.  He used to come in all the time but recently not as much (lucky for us).  First thing he did was bitch because he didn't like the glass his drink came in.  He even asked to see a manager and ended up with a free drink because of it.  WTF!!!!!  You don't like out glasses, buy your own place then you can order whatever you want.  He was rude, condescending and wore way too much Drakkar Noir (who the hell still wears that crap anyways?)  By the end of the night he had gotten a free drink, a free app, and a major ass kissing.  And on top of it all he left a shitty tip.

2) Don't let you kids out of their chairs.

    I don't know why some parents think that every restaurant is their kids own private playground with free babysitter included.  I am so fed up with little monsters running around everywhere, bothering other guests and trying to cause as much damage as possible all while their parents are downing martinis and ignoring them.  Then those same parents will be the first to sue when there toddler runs into a server with a tray of hot coffee and dumps it all over them.  

3) Don't try to be "helpful" and take a drink off the tray the server is holding.

    Servers are very good at balancing several things at one time. However, we know what we are doing, you do not.  We set up our drinks on the tray a certain way for a reason, we know which ones to take off first and which order to do it.  I know you think you are helping but when you grab your beer and then the server ends up with an entire glass of wine dumped down her bra it kind of pisses us off. 

4) Don't take it out on your server if your food is cooked wrong.

    9 times out of 10 when you steak is overcooked or your chicken is raw it is not the server's fault.  It is the people who cook it.  Don't let it effect your tip, especially if we take care of it right away.

5) Don't let your kids order shirley temples.

     Do you no realize that your already hyper 4 year old that is already causing chaos is only going to get worse when you give them a glass of sugar topped off with more sugar?  

6) Don't walk in on a Saturday night (or any other night) with 20 of your closest friends and expect to be sat right away.

    I really don't get people that do this.  Have they never been out in public before?  Do they not realize that restaurants just don't have a giant table ready and waiting at any given time.  There is a thing out there called a telephone, use it!  Give us a little notice and we can make it work for you and if we can't then we will save you the trip.

7) Don't go to a restaurant if you are not planning to eat.

     Last night I had two people come in and sit down, order 2 waters and nachos and sit for 3 hours.  They said they weren't hungry and just wanted to talk.  WTF!!!!  I have 4 tables in my section and you are taking one away so you can talk.  Can't you find someplace else to do that.  Not to mention, when the restaurant is on an hour wait and there are lots of people wanting to eat and you are preventing them from doing that you are just a jack ass.

 8) Always leave an appropriate tip

     Servers make $2.63 and hour.  On top of that we have to share our tips with runners, bartenders, bussers, etc.  When you screw us you are screwing a whole lot of people.  If you don't want to leave a tip when you go out to eat then go to McDonalds.

9) Don't overstay your welcome.

     When you look around and there is nobody else in the restaurant except of the employees, the lights are turned up and the TV's are off it is usually a good sign that you should leave now.  I don't understand how people don't get this.  The place is closed, time to go, is that so hard to understand?

10) Don't act like you are better than us.

      So you are a high class CEO, good for you.  I am a server.  I do it for a reason, so I can be a good mom to my kids.  Others do it because they are trying to get through college, some just like it (granted I don't know many of them), but the fact is we all have our reasons, it makes us no less of a person.  Treat us with the respect we show you.

Well, I could go on and on but I am starting to have flash backs of last night.  To all my friends out there, I know you are all good patrons, but you all know somebody who isn't.  For my fellow servers, feel free to comment with anything I left out as I am sure you can all come up with many more.

And may I suggest that everybody watches the movie Waiting.  A truer story has never been told.

 

     

  

  

   

Extreme Stupidity!!!!

While putting away laundry the other day I was looking for something to watch on television.  Seeing that it was the middle of the day there wasn't much to choose from I ended up on Extreme Couponing.  If you haven't seen this joke of a reality show then you are lucky.  It profiles people across the country who spend their lives hoarding and stealing.  It really is actually quite sad how ridiculous these people lives are.  I have seen this show a few times and usually end up shutting off because these people just make me sick.

These people spend hours upon hours trying to get all their food and toiletries for free.  Now don't get me wrong, I like free stuff, I even use coupons on occasion.  I must say though that it never once crossed my mind to send my young children dumpster diving to find coupons people threw away, I mean really, who does that?  Crazy people, that's who.  There was one woman who was driving around having her kids steal newspapers off people doorsteps.  Does nobody that works with DSS watch these shows, or ever heard about them?  These parents deserve to have their children taken away, right before they are tossed in the looney bin that is.

I think my favorite was the guy that had 300 years of deodorant in his garage that he got for free.  What is he going to do with that.  Is he an overly stinky man?  No, he just was able to use enough coupons to get it all free so why not, right?  Wrong.  All that he is doing is causing prices for the rest of use to rise as grocery stores are losing money because of this crap.

Then there is the woman who spends 60 hours a week couponing.  She has 5 computers and 5 printers to print up all the coupons that she PURCHASED.  She said each site only lets her print 3 of each coupon so that is how she gets around it.  Sweet, you scored $500 worth of groceries for free but spent $2000 on computers and printers, not to mention paper and ink (ink is damn expensive).  But the best part is that she paid for these coupons.  Who the hell pays for coupons?  Crazy people, that's who.  And how are you saving money on this.  Sure you got you groceries free, but you spent a fortune to do that.

Then we get to see the stockpiles.  They have garages stacked full of cereal, pasta, soda, Gatorade, candy, toothpaste, deodorant and ramen noodles.  These are the only things it seems that Extreme Couponers can score for free so that is what they have.  Their diet consists of nothing that's good for you.  When was the last time you saw a coupon for fruits, veggies or meat?  And if they don't have a coupon they don't get it.  They love to brag about how they are ready for an apocalypse, how all their food will keep them going for years.  Well, I hate to tell them but since they went public on TLC there are lots of gun toting Americans out there who know where they live.  That stockpile will be gone in no time.

Now what about the people that work in the grocery store?  If I was a cashier and I saw somebody walking toward me with their stupid pink binder full of coupons I think I would quit.  Most of these people make minimum wage which is certainly not enough to pay for that bullshit.  And what about the other shoppers.  These couponers clean the shelves of anything on sale, leaving nothing for anybody else.  Why, all so that these people can look at their receipts and see "You saved 99 percent today".  Who the hell keeps track of that crap anyways.  They probably takes their receipts and post them online to show all their "friends" what a great job they are doing saving their husbands money (cause we all know none of these women work, their jobs in life is steal and hoard and ruin their children).

What the hell are these kids doing to me!!!!!!!!

Today my six year old son came home with the phone numbers of two girls.  Why is my sweet innocent boy coming home with girl's phone numbers?  Don't I have at least another five years before that happens?  Do I have to worry about girlfriends at such a young age, or are these just girls that are friends?  I know both of these little vixen's and let me tell you, they are cute.  With their little Uggs and feather's in their hair, they are going to grow up to be lookers.  But the main thing is grow up to be!!!

I asked my boy what he was going to do with these numbers and he said "I don't know, they gave them to me so I took them."  HAHA already a typical man.  Maybe I'll call, maybe I won't.  When he was out sick one day a few weeks ago I went into the cafe at school to say hi to the kids.  I had four girls ask me when he was coming back.  When I told them probably the next day they were all giggly and happy.  One of them told me she thought he was cute.  What!!!!!!!  He is six, girls are not supposed to be saying that to me.  Boys are supposed to be yucky when you are six!!!! 

My husband thinks this is a riot. He also got a kick out of what I realized about our nine year old boy today.

My oldest boy has been spending an awful lot of time alone in his room lately.  Now this is a boy who up until a few days ago thought about nothing but playing on his Wii whenever possible.  The last few day, nope, he just wants to hang out alone in his room and watch tv.  I didn't think much of it until I called him upstairs to see if he wanted to play Wii with me and his brother.  I got a shout from downstairs of "No, I am busy".  About 15 minutes later the little guy and are were about 5 innings into Mario baseball when my oldest comes up the stairs, out of breath and with a red face.  I asked him what he had been doing and he said watching tv.  Watching tv my ass!  You do not get out of breath and flushed from watching tv.  I went in and told my husband about it and he just gave me "the look".  Yes, the look that says "you know damn well what he was doing, he found a new hobby".  He is nine, do they really start that young?  I am so horrified.  I remember freaking out the first time that he was "saluting" me when I changed his diaper, but this is a million times worse.  I told my husband he needs to have a talk with him but he thinks it isn't necessary as it looks like the big guy managed to figure it all on his own (like every other little boy my husband assures me).

I think I am going to have a nervous breakdown now.  My boys can not be growing up!!!!!  I refuse to have to believe my sweet babies are going to someday be horny men.  Not on my watch they won't!!!!!!

I have got to stop this waitressing thing!

I have been waiting tables for a long time now.  I started when I was 17 and did it until I graduated college.  I did the real job thing for a while after college but when my first son was born I didn't want to put him in daycare so I quit my job and Alan worked during the day while I went back to serving the masses at night.  Now don't get me wrong, the money can be good, but there are days that I don't even average minimum wage.  Today I had a party come in that just makes my shake my head and wonder why I even bother.

Usually I am happy to get a party of 7 (ok hostesses stop laughing now, I am as long as you don't stick me with all kids, which I know you all love to do).  Bigger parties mean bigger tips and also a guarantee of at least 18% as we can add the gratuity onto the bill.  Well, as soon as these 2 ladies with their 5 kids sat down I knew I was in trouble.  The ladies were total bitches, which I kinda let slide because when I am hanging out with 5 kids I can get bitchy too.  The ladies split an appetizer for their lunch (seriously, why are you even here) one of the kids orders buffalo wings and the others just all get kids meals.  The check was ridiculously low for a 7 top, but whatever, let's just get them fed and out.  After I bring the drinks over the ladies ask if there are free refills for the kiddies.  I explained that the boy who got the wings was charged for a regular soda and he had free refills.  As for the others, 1 drink comes free with the kids meal and if they want refills it is a one dollar charge and then they could have all they want.   One of the ladies says then that she wanted a refill for the kid who gets them free.  So I ran to the kitchen and filled him up another root beer.  It hadn't even been a full minute after I dropped it off that they were waving me back for another refill.  WTF, how can a kid be THAT thirsty.  I go get him another refill and after I left the table I turned around to see if he was going to suck it down again.  Oh no, it seems he wasn't that thirsty after all.  But the other kids must have been because she was pouring this refill into the glasses of the other children!  Thus stealing from us!!!  Thus really pissing me off. 

I can be one of the cheapest people in the world, I was raised to be frugal.  Hell, I keep my heat set at 62 because I hate seeing a huge gas bill and I have had the same winter coat for about 10 years.  I must say that I never would have thought about saving a buck the way these ladies did.  Maybe it is because I believe in Karma and think if you steal (and technically they were) it is going to come back and bite you in the ass.  Was the $4 it was going to cost to get all the kids UNLIMITED drinks really gonna break the bank?  You paid with a gold card for goodness sake so I doubt it.  Maybe I am just getting old and cranky, or I have been doing this for too long.  Whatever the reason, it is time to start playing the lottery, or maybe my husband should just actually rob banks, rather than just being accused of it.

Dear UMASS you suck!!!!

I had every intention today of posting Things I just don't get Part 2.  I have a nice long list of those things I am eager to share.  However, thanks to a check of my email I had a change of plans.  Last night at about 8:45 I received a phone call from UMass Amherst.  It was one of their students calling to hit me up for money, again.  I graduated this wonderful institution in 1997 and have never looked back, not once.  I have never returned to campus nor do I ever plan to.  Well, since I am alumni the University believes that I should continue paying them every year.  I guess the $40,000 they already got from me isn't good enough for them.  They need some way to give scholarships out to spoiled kids so they can hang out at Occupy Wall Street or Occupy Boston or to basically just drink all week long, right?  So why not ask the alumni, we haven't got enough of their blood yet.

So it was 8:45, I had just gotten home from a long day.  The kids had just gone into bed and the phone rings.  Really, thanks for waking the kids bitch.  Couldn't have have called while you were hanging out in Southwest all day smoking a joint.  Once I figured out who it was I hung up.  Usually I give an amusing remark like "Oh didn't you get the $40,000 I donated between 1993 and 1997" and then hang up, but I was tired so no remark, just a click as the phone slammed down.  I didn't think about it again until I got home from work and check my email today.  This girl has some nerve.  It starts off like this:

Dear Ms. McGinley

 Thank you for taking the time to speak with me. 

    Ok When did I speak with you, did you mistake the click of the phone as me talking to you?

 I understand you are not contributing over the phone at this time but hope that in the future you will consider making a gift to UMass Amherst through our website.

   Well I am glad that you understand I am not contributing over the phone, but didn't you get the point that the click on the phone meant that I was going to be contributing at all, ever!

As a student, I realize that public education is now more important than ever and that private support is absolutely essential to ensuring the best education possible.

   Oh yes, putting myself in debt is just not cool, but I need an education so I can sit around and complain all day because I can't figure out why I can't get a great job making 6 figures right out of school with my degree in Art History .   So will you please go into debt instead, cause I am entitled, and you already got your degree so please help me out.  I would have more respect if you had said that.

Even a small gift makes a big difference.  Annual Fund participation, at any level:

* Demonstrates satisfaction with the university and a commitment to its success;
* Encourages giving from corporations and foundations;
* Enables UMass to provide scholarships, financial aid, and facility updates needed to support our students and remain competitive.

  I am a lunch lady and a waitress, even a small gift is going to make me short on my mortgage payment.  This is the real world girlfriend.   Plus, I didn't receive financial aid or scholarships, I worked hard, at a job (as did my parents) to pay for my education.

The email continued on for a bit asking me to watch some videos, but I clicked delete before I got that far.  I wish the little pain in the ass had heard that click.  So my advice to all you who have yet to graduate from college, when you do, change your number, don't forward your mail, just hide before they come looking for your wallet.

Things that I just don't get

As I was walking into the local Five Below store and a little dog was walking around (yes again, first the grocery store, now Five Below) wearing doggie UGGS I was just confused.  It made me starting thinking about all the things around me that I just don't get.  So what better way to start my day then blogging about them all (or at least as many as I can before it is off to Lunch Lady Land).

1) Dogs in Uggs.  Have you ever seen a dog wearing these things.  Honestly they are so stupid looking.  And the poor dogs always look like they are struggling to walk.  Don't their owners see that.  Do they enjoying torturing their pet just because they think they look "cute"?  I am not a fan of the sweaters either, mostly because dogs are born with a natural defense against the cold, it is called fur, but then again society has bred such wimpy little critters that I think we have ruined that natural defense in some of them so I will excuse the sweaters.

2) Food Allergies.  When I was a kid (I know it was like a million years ago) nobody had food allergies.  There was one kid in my class in 6th grade that was allergic to bee stings and had to leave class if a bee flew in the window but that was it.  Now it seems like every class in school has a kid with an allergy.  Where did they come from?  Did allergies just start appearing out of thin air?  I had a woman come into the restaurant once and ask for a water with lime and said to make sure it was lime and not lemon, because she was allergic to lemon.  Really?  They are almost the same damn fruit, just different colors.  I know another mother who was allergic to peanuts so she just assumed that her kids were too and didn't bother to get them tested.  Now these poor kids miss out on the joys of peanut butter and jelly because their mom has and allergy.  I do feel bad for these kids however, it must suck to have to sit at a separate table at lunch with all the other allergy kids.  Plus, I know my son is not particularly fond of one kid because when he was in the same class as him in Kindergarten nobody was allowed to bring in treat for birthdays because of this one boys allergy.  It is 3 years later and my son still talks about that.  I am just thankful my kids can, and do eat anything.

3) Political Ads.  It seems like now that the Iowa caucus is over the politicians have turned their attention on the rest of the world.  I wish they would go back to Iowa.  Every other commercial last night was of a candidate who is running for President.  It made watching Revenge last night a bit less enjoyable.  Seriously Mitt, don't be wasting your money here in Massachusetts, we already know your game and now you are just pissing us off even more.  Huntsman, you got about 3 votes in Iowa, so just go away you are not going to win.  Perry, you are a whack job and your commercials showcase that, not really helping you.  Santorum, until 4 days ago nobody had ever heard of you, I was actually looking forward to researching you as a possibility, well, then I saw you talk and all possibility is gone.  Newt, I got nothing, moving on.  Thank you Bachman for dropping out.  Herman Cain, please come back, I want to get back on the Cain train.  The more I see these annoying ads the better Obama is looking.  Oh no did I say that?  Not me, I am a conservative.  Just stop all the ads people and let me enjoy my trash TV.

Ok, that took much longer than I thought and I now I have to cook for the kiddies.  I have so many more to get through, maybe later, maybe tomorrow.  Feel free to send me any ideas you have for things you just don't get because chances are I probably don't get it either.

Really, my husband does not rob banks, if he did do you think I would work two jobs?

So I wasn't gonna write today as it is the first day back from vacation (well vacation from lunch lady land at least) and I had to work both my jobs so I am a bit tired.  But after my husband called me at work tonight I couldn't pass up sharing this gem with you all.

My hubby takes the commuter train home from work every day.  He hates doing it because he works construction and is usually the only guy on the train not in a suit and tie, but hey when you don't drive you do what you have to do.  I was at work and the kids were with the sitter until he gets home.  Anyways, he boards the train in South Station and a whole bunch of cops come on, search the train then get off and the train leaves.  They get to the first stop which was Back Bay.  All of a sudden cops board the train and start going up the aisles.  Next thing ya know the Asian man with them points to my dear hubby and tells the cops that he is the man that robbed the bank.

WTF!!!!!  My husband has probably set foot in a bank once in his life and that was only because I needed his signature on something.  He wouldn't know who to hit up for the money, hell he doesn't know what a teller is.  At any rate they pull him off the train and start questioning him, looking through his stuff, running his info and basically harassing him.  Thankfully they realized they had the wrong guy.  Chances are it was when they listened to him talk and his brogue went into full affect and it because clear that if he went up to a teller and demanded money they would have no idea what he was talking about.  He had no weapon, unless you consider the banana that was left in his lunch bag a weapon.  So after all the drama they put him back on the train where he received applause from the other passengers (chances are because they just wanted the train to start moving again).  The worst part is that the police NEVER apologized for the treatment he received. 

Now this isn't the first time something like this has happened to him.  Last time he went to Ireland he was detained by homeland security for two hours because they thought he was a terrorist.  Now don't get me wrong, he may be from Northern Ireland but he hates the IRA and everything they do and would certainly never join up with them.  He is a make love not war type of guy.  He is stereotyped as a thug because he is 6 feet tall, 240 pounds and almost never shaves.  So he is a bit fuzzy at times (ok most of the time) but hell it makes him more sexy.   I just wish that the authorities would stop judging a book by it's cover.  Kinda like the State Trooper who though the dogs tail was a deer and shot the poor woman.   I am surprised my husband didn't get blamed for that one as well, he is a hunter after all.
 

Seriously, does this look like a bank robber to you ( and no this isn't me with him, it is him mom, he is such a mama's boy)

Things I learned on Facebook

So, I love Facebook.  I have caught up with many old friends and am always amused by some of the crap people post (myself included).  So I decided it would be a good idea to post some of the things I have learned while using Facebook.

1) People who poke are annoying.  I don't get the whole poking thing.  So what, you want to get my attention.  How about just writing on my wall.  Honestly, if I want to get poked I will just ask my husband, he is usually more than willing to oblige.

2) Facebook games are addicting and should be avoided at all cost.  I did the whole Farmville thing, then Vampire Wars and the Pawn Stars game.  They totally suck you in and before you know it you are begging people to send you cows or to join your coven.  I am at the point where I just have to say no.  I have blocked all the apps but sometimes those damn invites slip through and I have to pull myself away.

3) My bff's son is a riot and is going to grow up to be a comedian.  This kids photos can never be looked at while drinking a beverage, it causes the beverage to immediately by ejected from you nose in a laughing fit.  Man I just love him.


4)I have more friends than my brother.  Haha, when he joined FB he told me that he had more friends then me.  Well, nope, not so much.  He may have been big man on campus in High School but I kick his ass on FB.

5) If you talk bad about Obama in your status, democrats will unfriend you, heck some will even block you. 

6) According to FB I am going to die in 2015 with the cause of death being looking in the mirror.  Gee great.  Guess that is better than some of my other friends who are going to die from smelling their own farts or poor Hanna who was poked to death.

7) Speaking of Hanna, she sells some seriously messed up sex toys.  Wow, who would have thought and what is some of that stuff for?  But thanks to FB I get to see it all.  I will have to host one of her parties one of these days and check it out.  Will just have to make sure Arlene is there because I think Hanna sells special underwear.

8) Never under any circumstances except a friend request from somebody you don't know.  There are some crazy people out there and they have a tendency to troll around on FB.

9) I am amazed at how many of my friends are Twi-moms like me.  It was like a freaking blizzard of status updates when Breaking Dawn came out.  Nice to know I am not the only one drooling over eye candy that are jail bait.

10) That no matter how I beg and plead nobody at work will ever pick up a shift when I am in a jam.  Thanks douche bags.  But then again, I am not real big on doing it either so guess I am just as bad.  Oh well, we all suck.

I really could go on and on but if I don't put dinner on the table soon I will have a riot at the house.  See you on Facebook my friends.

What, it's 2012?? Am I missing something here???

So as I woke up this morning all the news stations were recapping the big ole ball dropping in NYC.  It wasn't really much of a recap for me as it was a first time viewing because face it, I am old as dirt and after the work week I had I was snoozing well before then.  It was after the 7th or 8th viewing that it hit me, holy crap it is 2012.  How the hell could that be.  Wasn't it just last year that we were all singing "Tonight we're gonna party like it's 1999"?  Has it really been 12 years sinceY2K and all the excitement that went along with it?  Now here we are in 2012, the year of the end of the Mayan calender, end of life as we know it and all that crap, or just another big farce like Y2K.

I can remember New Years Eve of 1999 quite well (it really does seem like yesterday).  Myself and my "new" husband (we hadn't even been married for 6 months) decided to spend the night with my cousin and her husband at their house.  There was no way we were heading to a bar that night, what if the clock stuck midnight and the whole world exploded.  At least we would be with family.  That day I went to the bank and withdrew a load of cash like the media told us we should do "just in case" (I actually had money then, it was pre house, pre kids and I actually had a real job, one that never required me to say the phrase "Can I start you off with something to drink tonight").  The I made sure I was stockpiled with bottled water and canned food, because again, that's what the media said to do.  Finally we headed out for our night.

We had a good time, my cousin's husband ordered and obscene amount of food from Chinatown, and by obscene I mean enough to feed a small army, much more than 4 people ever could eat.  And we had cocktails and laughed and talked, played some games, all the normal stuff.  Then it was time, the ball was getting ready to drop, we counted down, then BAMM it was midnight 2000 and nothing happened, not a damn thing.  So we went to bed, and the next day everything was still normal.

And here we are now, 12 years later, in the verge of another "apocalypse".  So much has happened, the hubby and I bought a house, we had two kids, my bff got married, my cousin got divorced (which isn't always a bad thing as I feel this will be the year the right one comes along), my parents jumped ship and moved up north, my grandfather died, my niece was born.  I lost 50 pounds, then I gained 50 pounds, then I lost 50 pounds, then I gained 50 pounds (this year we are gonna go for the loss part again).   I laughed a lot, I cried even more I just can't believe how fast it flew by.  I just hope in 2024 I will have just as much to look back on and God willing not be a grandmother yet.