I have been a wife for 12 years and a mother for 9. It never fails to amaze me just how different the opposite sex is from us ladies. Most of the time I don't know whether to laugh or cry at the daily antics of these three, but one this is for sure, they always have a way of surprising me (and usually not in a good way).
1) When it gets cold out their testicles just disappear.
I remember the first cold morning that I had to change my oldest's diaper. As I was whipping away the barrage of poop that he had deposited I freaked out because their was something missing. Where the hell did his balls go? I was in such a panic I called my husband in. I was just sure that we were going to be rushing the little one to the ER. I had no idea what I had done wrong and what the hell I was going to say to the doctor. I was going through it in my head "No Doctor, they were there last night when I put him to bed. No, I didn't intentionally "break" my son." I was sure that DSS was going to be called. Well, after my husband stopped laughing he assured me that it was normal. They just went back inside to keep warm. WTF!!!! retractable body parts, who'd have though?
2)They have NO idea what a laundry basket is.
3) Better out than in
After watching Shrek all of my guys adopted this motto. Any type of gross bodily function they can come up with is funny to them. They always try to outdo each other. There is only so much farting that one mother can take. At least my husband doesn't do it in public. The kids on the other hand, think it is the funniest thing ever to let one rip in front of my 97 year old grandmother. Thankfully she usually can't hear them (she is 97 and her hearing is not what it used to be) but I can see her make a face when she can smell them. Not cool boys. My oldest did learn his lesson about breaking wind in school. Thirds graders like to give kids nicknames. "Stinkbomb" is not the nickname you want, and his kid brother will never let him live that down.
4)When mommy is in the shower it is the perfect time to bother her.
Is it so much to ask for 10 minutes of a day to myself? Obviously to my guys it is. It never fails that as soon as I get in the shower somebody wants something, is looking for something or has a question about something. My youngest is always the same. "Mommy can I have a snack?" EVERY FUCKING TIME!!!! Is he really going to starve to death in 10 minutes? I think not. Or my husband will come in with wonderful questions such as "Did you DVR that show I asked you to?" Yes, because that just can't wait. Or the worst is my oldest son who always feels the need to come and use the toilet while I am showering. Oh I hate that. I have two bathrooms, use the other for goodness sake!!!! Do you have no humility? Then he flushes, thus giving me a burst of burning hot water.
5)Aim is obviously an inherited trait.
My husband has no aim when using the bathroom. This is a trait he passed onto his sons. Thanks dear. I like to think if I had a penis I would have no problem aiming it into the big hole in the seat (or aiming into the right hole in other situations as well, wink wink). Nope, they hit the rim. the floor, the tank, anywhere except the bowl. I use more toilet paper cleaning off the seat then for any other reason. Yet outside they have no problem peeing an exact square around the chicken coop (yes, the hubby taught the kids this because it supposedly keeps away raccoons), or spelling out their names in the snow (ok this they have never done, that I am aware of, but I bet they could do it.) Is there a place I can sent them that give lessons on aim, if so I am willing to pay ANYTHING!
6) Saluting starts at a very young age
Who would have thought that a one week old boy could salute you when changing his diaper. Sure, my husband salutes EVERY morning, but a newborn? Very very creepy. I am telling you, I need to get me one of those things to learn all the things they can do, because obviously as a woman I am missing out.
But all kidding aside, above all the biggest thing that my guys have taught me is true, unconditional love. I am so lucky to have the three of them. I would do anything for them without a second thought.